I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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