not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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