Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
