WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
