Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
