Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
