She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
