His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
