A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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