I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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