I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
50% drunk capacity currently
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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