So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
