85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
