Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
