My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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