at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
