You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
