don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
