So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
