I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
