Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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