I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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