Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
