At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm getting married
To pizza
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
