i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
