Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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