i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
