that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
