my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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