my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Terrible idea I love it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
