Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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