Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
