I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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