I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
