so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
