She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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