You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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