So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
