New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
