you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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