You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
