She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
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getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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