i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
