Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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