Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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