My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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