her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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