The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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