A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
