If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
