kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
