You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
