4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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