i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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