There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
